and the latest

my mother passed away January 2, 2013. My family has been living with my sister. My son has finished high school. My daughter has a job she loves. We may be homeless but we are together... (Last year my computer, printer, and scanner were stolen but the computer was recovered. If only printers and scanners had anti-theft...)

Living with Pain-Years Later

It has been over 3 years since my husband died of terminal cancer-

in that time my mother is once again sick with cancer. She has finished treatments and the family done much better this time. My Aunt Pearline helped around the house. I really believe she got sick because she was out and about too much helping me with my kids and running errands. My stepdad still supports me even though he has run out of patience about the problems I have been having around my house. My brother-in-Law, Billy got a lung transplant in Birmingham.

I will be facing charges of animal cruelty, neglect and abuse because I was not fully able to take care of the family dog. My mental illness and disability is an issue and will be a disadvantage in my case.

I wish my husband could have gotten well but rest assured he does still haunt me every day. I do still hear his voice and think that I see him. I have done some work for the print shop we used to help manage but it has been very difficult.

My son went to State School and suffered a head injury but its okay

I finally got a good bike so I can visit neighbors and ride to the store.

My house has been broken into several times and there have been shootings in the neighborhood. I do not feel safe at all. I constantly fear being attacked or killed.

I have made many friends in my community who have supported me and are all there for me. Many of them live with depression and anxiety like I do and we all have had kids or family members get put in jail. In the last year two police officers have gotten killed and others hurt trying to make our community safer. I am still scared of police and and feel terror when I hear a siren or see a police car.

It is still possible I can be put in jail because there have been a lot of problems about drugs and weapons at my house. I have been able to get the house and yard cleaned up but I am in danger from anyone who has been arrested on my property, their family or friends because surely someone somewhere hates me for the trouble they got in. Most recently my food stamp card and bank card got stolen and spent up.

I am struggling to work and make ends meet. I am trying to keep the family home. There is a Salvation Army in my neighborhood and if I lose my home, I will go there because I really have no where to go. True, I have many family and friends but I know it would be too much of a burden on them for me to move in. Anyway, I'd rather wait until my son turns 18 so he can get by on his onw like be finished with school and old enough to find work.n. I kept our truck so it will be here for him to work on. He won't be able to get a drivers license but he likes working on cars. His go-cart got taken out of our garage while I was gone for the weekend. He didnt seem too upset when he asked about it and told him.

My daughter is working and helps to keep the house safe. Last week, when my house got broke into, the person was caught.

I was able to get MediCaid but only for Womens Health and there is state programs for women who get cancer of any of their female body parts.

I can only survive until I die but have decided to be a good influence in my community even when things are not going well or I dont feel good.

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NEW PRESCRIPTION DRUG DANGER....

A new prescription drug danger could be on the way. (Medical marijuana use has already escaped its safety zone among people who really do benefit from it and so its availability has been threatened by abuse and misuse.)

It is indeed a positive approach to terminal illness and the trauma it can cause to try new medications. However, drugs that were considered "street drugs" are being tried and proven to help ease the trauma of terminally ill patients. Such administration of the drugs are done in a medical facility such as a doctors or therapists office. Patients will not be sent home with these medications. And they may possibly save lives if the stress and fear of "terminal illness" is relieved.

Terminal DOES NOT necessarily mean a patient will die, it only refers to as no longer being able to find treatment for a health problem or illness. When my late husband was put on hospice care, I did not believe it was the end, just a rest or break from his exhausting struggle with cancer and to be able to keep at home like we all wanted. I had met people turned over to hospice care only to survive after all and so I had full faith in his recovery. Anyway...

These drugs, three known drugs, actually occur organically from plants or grow naturally to some extent and need little moderation to be developed into a medication. Their use as "street drugs" usually involves poor grade products that are cranked out with other chemicals to make them more potent or to stretch limited supplies. Fortunately they are hardly popular as street drugs.

If these drugs escape into the home, then use common sense as with any medication such as keeping out of reach of children, not sharing prescriptions, making sure correct dose is given. Of course these prescriptions will not have the same street drug name on their labels but the proper pharmaceutical name.

MOST IMPORTANT - if you are a caregiver to someone terminally ill, disabled or in poor health PLEASE BE SURE YOU HAVE PLENTY OF HELP because stress can affect the quality of care or quality of life so important to a patient and their family. I still really believe that me being overwhelmed as a caregiver and not knowing how to manage all the help I had given contributed to a lesser quality of life for my husband and his quick death within six months of being diagnosed with cancer. My own disability had put such a strain on those who were helping him and possibly took away the proper care needed for his recovery.

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KUDOS! to all of my TRUE friends :)

For those who follow my FaceBook posts, you know that I have taken a stand against burdening my loved ones with my possible health problems. Most likely the abnormal lab result and the rashes on me that look like pinpoint bruises, itch and bleed are just some usual problems with approaching middle age and -ugh- menopause. (I had discovered a real condition called "perimenopause" that basically does indeed make menopause last for a ridiculous amount of years so I bucked up to a healthier lifestyle. Of couse I do have quite a high risk for cancer, stroke and heart failure. And with most likely having to cut my health insurance a few weeks, what's the use in going back and following up on an abnormal lab result. I would like to believe the swelling and lump under my right arm are just from when I got my shoulder hurt in an act of self defense when I was much younger.

Because of my legal blindness I cant drive and have a nearly impossible time with transportation. Hey, people got a lot more to do in life than carry me around. They have to work, they get sick, they have their own families and so forth. But so many people have tried, no matter how poorly their car was running, if they had to borrow a car or even get a ride themself to help me.

 I did buy a family car, mostly so I could have a place to sleep if I lost my house. But my son got in trouble for racing the car with the police and a few months later the car was sold, after he got the motor fixed into being halfway powered by water (STEAM-POWERED) and so getting as much as FORTY MILES PER GALLON on gas. So maybe the old 92 BMW did clock up to 120-140 mph. Well, at least I know which kind of car to buy now and who can be able to work on it. It also had it's own power supply for lights and computer and cell phone. It was money well spent... I still got the tag to show that I did own such a car. 92 bmw 325is 4 door, working sunroof, antitheft etc.

My mom was helping me get to counseling twice a week but she got an infection on some throat surgery she had a couple of months ago. My daughter is going to college and her boyfriend set definite limits on NO LONGER HELPING US. because of some men things that happened to him at our house, I DO NOT BLAME HIM. (I paid for the damages to his car, some of the medical bills and helped buy another car or two and a motor)

I have been, understandably accused of giving up on my son, but I haven't. I CANNOT DO ANY MORE because I have to work and still I'm still recovering from a lot of trauma. Three years after his death, I still hear my late husbands voice and imagine what good advice or at least reaction he'd have to what is going on. He was also a tremendous support in my work at the print shop and my venture into graphic design. (And I can still hear those two birds we had talk and whistle - sometimes. But I'm not a crazy person just hearing voices.) The physical pain of still missing him is very real.

If I do have some thing really wrong with me, I'm not giving up and just going to die. I am only following a path that will be the least burden to my loved ones so that we can all have the best quality of life. If it is cancer, I'm going to die anyway, everybody else that has had it did, except my mom and I have a bad feeling that its going to get her so I am ready to help with taking care of her.

SO I THANK EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE FOR ME THROUGHOUT IT ALL and will continue to be there for me.

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A Better Outlook on Life and a Brand New Attitude...

I hate to repeat myself but I had a usual check-up in January 24, 2011 (for anyone who has not read)

A referral for a mammogram was given to me.

Then abnormal results were found in my lab work and it was recommended I come back in 6 months

So six months ended in July - I got the appointment card and ignored it because my mom had to have minor surgery on her throat (she had cancer about 10 years ago) and my son was in "rehab"

I then got a letter from the hospital this month (August) - I have two lumps under my right arm and I am broke out in a rash all over that bleeds in spots and my skin has tore open in a few places on my wrists.

For years I have not felt good anyway and been under a lot of stress.

I have before stated that I would avoid cancer screenings much less get treatment-MY MIND HAS NOT CHANGED...

I will be having to drop my health insurance and will possibly lose my house.

I have been able to get the yard cleaned up - gecko lizards are hatching out of my compost box :) and I have a small garden - got some peas and beans out of it.

I am getting a little more work and will be able to collect disability shortly

I REFUSE TO BECOME A BURDEN ON MY LOVED ONES - they have exhausted all means helping me and my family anyway

I have found out where uninsured people can get medical care and I got a discount prescription card

and besides a new kind of that party drug "Ecstacy" or "X" may be approved for cancer treatment and that sounds dangerous, the new prescription drug abuse is on the way like with rx marijuana...

and maybe all that lumps and rash is just nothing anyway

I am at peace with myself and believe no one will hurt too bad over me because I have disappointed my family, failed with my kids and most of all disappointed in myself for not being able to support my family, financially or emotionally. And I have not been able to keep up the family home.

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