For those who follow my FaceBook posts, you know that I have taken a stand against burdening my loved ones with my possible health problems. Most likely the abnormal lab result and the rashes on me that look like pinpoint bruises, itch and bleed are just some usual problems with approaching middle age and -ugh- menopause. (I had discovered a real condition called "perimenopause" that basically does indeed make menopause last for a ridiculous amount of years so I bucked up to a healthier lifestyle. Of couse I do have quite a high risk for cancer, stroke and heart failure. And with most likely having to cut my health insurance a few weeks, what's the use in going back and following up on an abnormal lab result. I would like to believe the swelling and lump under my right arm are just from when I got my shoulder hurt in an act of self defense when I was much younger.
Because of my legal blindness I cant drive and have a nearly impossible time with transportation. Hey, people got a lot more to do in life than carry me around. They have to work, they get sick, they have their own families and so forth. But so many people have tried, no matter how poorly their car was running, if they had to borrow a car or even get a ride themself to help me.
I did buy a family car, mostly so I could have a place to sleep if I lost my house. But my son got in trouble for racing the car with the police and a few months later the car was sold, after he got the motor fixed into being halfway powered by water (STEAM-POWERED) and so getting as much as FORTY MILES PER GALLON on gas. So maybe the old 92 BMW did clock up to 120-140 mph. Well, at least I know which kind of car to buy now and who can be able to work on it. It also had it's own power supply for lights and computer and cell phone. It was money well spent... I still got the tag to show that I did own such a car. 92 bmw 325is 4 door, working sunroof, antitheft etc.
My mom was helping me get to counseling twice a week but she got an infection on some throat surgery she had a couple of months ago. My daughter is going to college and her boyfriend set definite limits on NO LONGER HELPING US. because of some men things that happened to him at our house, I DO NOT BLAME HIM. (I paid for the damages to his car, some of the medical bills and helped buy another car or two and a motor)
I have been, understandably accused of giving up on my son, but I haven't. I CANNOT DO ANY MORE because I have to work and still I'm still recovering from a lot of trauma. Three years after his death, I still hear my late husbands voice and imagine what good advice or at least reaction he'd have to what is going on. He was also a tremendous support in my work at the print shop and my venture into graphic design. (And I can still hear those two birds we had talk and whistle - sometimes. But I'm not a crazy person just hearing voices.) The physical pain of still missing him is very real.
If I do have some thing really wrong with me, I'm not giving up and just going to die. I am only following a path that will be the least burden to my loved ones so that we can all have the best quality of life. If it is cancer, I'm going to die anyway, everybody else that has had it did, except my mom and I have a bad feeling that its going to get her so I am ready to help with taking care of her.
SO I THANK EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE FOR ME THROUGHOUT IT ALL and will continue to be there for me.
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